Some people use the word "chaos" too loosely.

[Jam Burgler]

You know me, I'm always down for some chaos as long as it doesn't have anything to do with the backpack on my Boba Fett toy getting broken, or my record collection being altered out of its exact alphabetical genre by genre order, or my shoestrings falling in an unorderly type manner, but it seems to me that people are slutting around the word chaos like its Baby Jessica at an anti-well convention. For the purposes of exposing certain untruths in the admittedly untruthful realm of chaos I visited several websites who claim to be devoted to chaos, but are really just a bunch of nerds trying to bring fame to their names by saying they're down with chaos.

Exhibit A: hypertextbook.com/chaos/

Okay, not only is this site the most orderly thing I've ever seen (there's no faulty links, no pop up adds, no sneaky tricks to get you to go to a bestiality site) but there's a heading in there "measuring chaos." Ha! You can't measure chaos blud, you can only measure its aftermath. But unlike some members of the Master's of Chaos board, who claim to be down, the true choatians don't need big time Washington mathematicians to tell us that you can't measure chaos. You know who the fuck I'm talking about. I will fuck your BITCH-ASS up! You think you're SOOO big, with your "harmonic oscillators" and your "euclidean dimension" and your "print resources." Ohhh, big words for such a little bitch-ass bitch. Yeah, you talk about Mandelbrot Sets, I saw the brother speak. Oscillate that bitch!

Exhibit B: order.ph.utexas.edu/chaos/

Jesus, do I even have to say anything. The title on the page is "What is Chaos?" You don't have to be Nelson Mandelbrot to know that you can't define chaos. That's exactly what makes chaos chaos. Not that I'm saying what makes chaos, because it can't be defined.

Exhibit C: chaos.aip.org/chaos/staff.jsp

"Chaos is a quarterly journal published by the American Institute of Physics and devoted to increasing the understanding of nonlinear phenomena and describing the manifestations in a manner comprehensible to researchers from a broad spectrum of disciplines." Icrease? Understanding? Of nonlinear phenomena? From?!!! Ha! I don't know what these people are "researching" but its definitely NOT chaos. Anybody who's truly down with chaos knows that more you research it, the less you understand. Again, not that I'm trying to define chaos, because we all know that that's a big "no-no."

Exhibit D: math.bu.edu/DYSYS/chaos-game/chaos-game.html

When I initially came upon this site I thought, "great Chaos in the Classroom!" I expected something like this

But I go in there and its some bullshit you're supposed to read or something. Listen to this crap, "The mathematical topics of chaos and fractals are particularly appropriate in this regard." I think I've proven my point.

In summary, there are a lot of moark-ass posers out there trying to play the role. If any of these fools tries to step into my area they are getting their face mangled.

[His Honorable Professor Chaos]

ohhhhh shit. Finally, somebody has the balls to blow the lid off the chaos imposters. This is far too good to not put on the homepage.

Can anyone else beat that in terms of fake chaos on the web?

Major update coming later today.

[His Honorable Professor Chaos]

Check this one out:

www.subspacechaos.com/moc.php

It says the current champion is Jaques Strap. Something that protects your balls from harm doesn't sound all that chaotic to me.



morgantra.tripod.com/

These dudes claim to be the "United Masters of Chaos". Sounds more like a Coalition of the Ass Drillers to me.



Here we have the Knights of Chaos. Uhhh...yeah.

www.knightsofchaos.com/quests/masters.php



These are the only dudes who get a shred of respect from me:

www.mastersofchaos.org/start.html

First of all, they're just .org, so they're second tier. But that line "Let the Galaxy Burn!" definitely deserves props. And they're German, so that gets points too. But since I can't understand German, I'm going to assume it's some namby-pamby shit about unicorns.

[Jam Burgler]

"Chaos Zone"? Come on, if there's one thing that Jurrasic Park taught me, its that chaos can't be confined to a zone.

That other place seemed more like a Lord of the Rings fansite than anything else.

I did, however, enjoy this.

[His Honorable Professor Chaos]

The dripping blood bar is definitely noteworthy. This article was so important I put it on the homepage. Keep up the good work.

[Ginsu2000]

dayum. I guess its all out there now- Jammy laid the groundwork. if you claim to rep chaos, then you best bring it like...